The First Rule of Holes
Good morning, y’all. Finally, a little sunshine. The ground water is draining off, but I’m not ready to let the air out of my raft yet. Weekend forecast is for more rain, so I’ll just use the next couple of days to do a few chores around here at TackyToo. I’ll use this time to dig up and relocate some of my perennials. I can take advantage of the coming rain storms to help get them adjusted to their new locations.
Speaking of digging things up puts me in mind of one of the phrases of one of my favorite writers, Molly Ivins. Molly use to cover politics from Austin, Texas and was one of the most gifted, insightful writers I’ve ever read. The fact that she used humor to skewer the politicians was a double bonus for me. One of the phrases that Molly used to describe the actions of a politician who had gotten in deeper to a situation than was prudent was, “Poor old so and so, he’s forgotten the first rule of holes; when you’re in one, quit digging.” Molly made her point with the simple logic that everyone could understand. She applied the logic with warm-hearted humor that made even the roasted politicians laugh at themselves. Molly Ivins was a national treasure in a state that was diametrically opposed to her politically. I miss her.
In the spirit of Molly Ivins, I’d like to say to Herschel Walker, “quit digging”. Trying to figure out which hole Herschel is in at this point in time is a bit of a guess, since he’s been digging a new one about every hour for the last few days. In case you haven’t caught the news in the last few days, I know a lot of satellite dishes have malfunctioned because of the weather, I’ll hit a few of Herschel’s highlights in his own words.
1. “I worked for law enforcement, y’all didn’t know that either?” he said. “I spent time at Quantico at the FBI training school. Y’all didn’t know I was an agent?” The FBI said “What?” Herschel has never worked for law enforcement, even more specifically at he federal level. But there’s more.
2. “I work with the Cobb County Police Department, and I’ve been in criminal justice all my life.” Again, not true. After repeated attempts to get the story validated, Herschel’s people did come up with an honorary sheriff’s deputy card that bestowed upon Herschel the abilities and responsibilities of being a junior ranger. No, you don’t get to carry a gun. No, you don’t get to shoot people. We’ll circle back to that in a minute.
3. “I worked in law enforcement, so I had a gun. I put this gun in my holster and I said, ‘I’m gonna kill this dude,’ ” he said at a 2013 suicide prevention event for the U.S. Army. I don’t know if he was speaking to Vets about trying to sign them up for his scam charity at the time or not. Herschel was paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for shilling for the scam. I’m guessing he needed the cash because because his chicken business wasn’t quite as successful as he said it was.
4. Herschel also claimed that he had a chicken business that was “essentially a mini Tyson Foods” with “over 600 employees.” A couple of years later in an interview with a Dallas sportscaster he said the company had “about 800 employees.” In April of 2020, Herschel’s chicken company, Renaissance Man Food Services, listed just eight employees on its loan application for the Paycheck Protection Program.
I don’t know how to suss through all of this. How do we assess the value of the greatest football player to ever play the game against the train wreck of a candidate Herschel is? How does one vote for a man that lies about graduating from the college where his proudest moments took place? A man who has repeated run-ins with the police for domestic violence. A man who has had at least one suicide attempt and even had a protective order against him and his gun confiscated.
Have we ever had a presidential candidate whose ex-wife has told the harrowing story on TV of when her husband held the gun to her temple and said he was going to blow her brains out? Not that I can remember, and I’m old and I watch politics.
The best I can come up with is a saying that Granny Waller used to describe folks that had slipped into dementia, “He don’t got all what belongs to him.” As a yellow dog Democrat let me say, “please, please, please let Herschel alternate between being the Republican senate nominee and governor nominee for the rest of his life.” Those holes aren’t going to dig themselves.