Blessed Be The Tithe
Good morning, y’all. We have come to that time of the year that I’m thankful I won’t have to eat any more turkey until Christmas. I don’t know where Mulva and I got our numbers crossed, but the requested 14 pound bird became a 24 pound bird this year. To compound our situation, less folks took home leftovers this year after Thanksgiving. For some reason, our guests decided to leave mountains of food for the Lites to dispose of. Eating all of the leftovers before they spoil is a Herculean task, but I do think I’ve done the best I can.
Speaking of doing the best we can, The Full Gospel Original Church of God has certainly rocketed to stratospheric heights since introducing the world to the Reverend Helen Handbasket. The final take on the two weeks of revival is part secret, part not. The figures that can be disclosed are 128 new souls dedicated to the path of righteousness and 46 rededications of existing members. It seems that it is impossible to determine the exact viewership from the broadcasts of the services by Channel 99 in Blairsville. If one uses the metric of one donation for each twenty viewers, I’m guessing the viewership would be about 10,000. Not too shabby for a little show broadcast in the mountains of North Georgia. I mean, my goodness, we’re competing with the Baptists here.
Now the numbers that are not disclosed for public scrutiny are the donations. Being married to the church secretary puts me in an excellent position to comment on the financial well-being of The Full Gospel Original Church of God, though. Let me say, that the church is doing, very, very well. The questions that are begged by these new found riches go to the mission statement of the church. Will the money be spent furthering the message by establishing missionaries throughout the world? Will the money be spent by improving The Full Gospel Original Church of God’s infra-structure by building a structure of sufficient size to accommodate future needs? Will the money be spent by improving compensation for the Reverend Helen Handbasket and a select group of Elders? Will the church attempt to go global by the use of advertising? Which of these choices best fit the church’s mission statement, or will it be a mix of “all of the above”?
Well, my money is on the “all of the above” strategy. There’s never been three or four people strung together as a congregation that didn’t feel the compelling need to share their special knowledge with the heathens in Africa, Borneo and Alabama. I hear of an immediate need to establish a missionary somewhere in Africa. Let me just say that I have great reservations for the pastor that is tasked with the establishment of this church. They’ve got these cobras over there that spit at you. I’m serious! They spit in your eyes to blind you so you don’t know they’re coming. Then they just saunter over and bite you. That’s something the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread didn’t have to contend with on his worst day.
I’m already hearing there’s a “task force” that’s been charged with determining the best way to get more seats for the butts that are surging in the doors of our little church here in Nunsuch. Rumor has it that the abandoned Mormon church, affectionately know as the Crystal Palace, in Blairsville is being considered. Seems the Seventh Day Adventists over shot their market a little bit in our area. They were overly encouraged by the signups when folks in these parts found out that The Adventists had great stores of free food and other items for their members. Turns out that free food wasn’t competition enough for the loss of alcohol, caffeine and premarital sex. The local Adventist church died a long slow death and now the Crystal Palace is available for our use, if the congregation wants to move to town.
I do know that there will be a focus made on advertising, I’m just not at liberty to discuss it any further at this time. Stay tuned though, I promise it will be a corker.
Salaries will be adjusted, for sure. I am using Mulva to put a bug in the Reverend Helena Handbasket’s ear about getting a base plus “commission” situation. It seems to me that it is obvious that the new pastor has brought about the new found success of our little church, and in my mind, she should be compensated. Of course, I don’t get a vote. It will be up to the Elders to determine the worth of the Reverend. For the continued success of The Full Gospel Original Church of God, I hope they are not “penny wise and pound foolish”.