Meet the Lites – Charlotte III

BudLiteGood morning, y’all. Well, operation “TackyToo spies on you” is up and operating for trailers within my range. I hope to build up enough trust to have the court at least give me enough range on my anklet to cover the whole park. I’m having to pay a handy man to take care of the lots I can’t get to, and I don’t want to tip my hand on our security system just yet. I’m so N.S.A.

Picking up where we left off with my sister Charlotte, Jackson and I are moving in with Daddy and Charlotte is finishing her Senior year in high school. Like my Mom, Jackson and I don’t see Charlotte for another seven years. During this time Charlotte has gone off to college, paid for by Mom, taken a trip to France, paid for by Mom, and gotten herself married, paid for by Mom. Charlotte has earned a double degree in French and English and can spout nonsense in two languages.

This is not to say Charlotte isn’t smart, she is, but she is more likely to chase a rabbit down a hole than anybody I’ve ever been around. When we meet up again, she is married to a chemical engineer that works in the textile industry near Spartanburg, S.C. Judd is a good ol’ boy who was smarter than a Philadelphia lawyer. He turned me on to Dave Brubeck and no matter what else ever happens, I’m thankful for that. They had one child, Tabitha, and she inherited everything from her mom. I mean hair coloring, freckles and a nasty disposition.

It’s hard for me to ever blame the child, and I know that Judd was more patient than Job, but when Tabitha was about twelve, Charlotte up and took off. I guess she didn’t want to be around for those awkward teenage years, knowing what a pill she had been herself. She just took off and left Judd to cover the job himself. It’s hard to keep track of family when the go-between is gone, so I lost track of Judd and Tabitha for a long time.

Charlotte emerged a few years later at a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by Mom. She had a new boyfriend in tow, Dreidel Zaydel who was a gynecologist. We called him Dr. Dre because he demanded respect. He was as insufferable a little squirt as you ever hope to meet. The brain just exploded trying to figure out the attraction either could possibly have for the other. Well as the line goes, you can’t explain love, or nuclear physics, and so they were wed. Now here comes the funny part; and it’s ironic funny, and funny funny too. Turns out the Jews believe in Baptism. Who knew?

Seems that being Jewish is carried though the mother. Dr. Dre wanted his kids to be Jewish, therefore Charlotte had to convert. Part of the conversion process is getting Baptized, naked, in front of the congregation. I missed the ceremony, but I did confirm the requirement years later when a character in “Orange Is The New Black” converted in an episode.

The happy couple settle in Atlanta, have a couple of daughters, and after an appropriate amount of time, Charlotte hit the bricks for parts unknown. I believe Dr. Dre was able to find a nice Jewish step-mother for the kids, and they seemed to grow up less scarred than their half-sister Tabitha. I’m thinking the amount of exposure to Charlotte is a big factor in the wellness of children.

Charlotte is not heard from for years. There is a rumor she has married again in Texas, and there were some legal misgivings that Mom didn’t want to share. We fast forward to about ten years ago to a Christmas visit to Mom’s when Charlotte shows up with a really nice Hispanic fellow, Juan Gordito. After my usual eye roll, I had the opportunity to talk to Juan alone, and he was really, really a nice guy. I was tempted to take him outside and encourage him to flee at all haste, “don’t look back, just run”. I guess out of some bizarre familial loyalty, I didn’t. Thank God, he did it for himself about a year later. I’m glad he was able to spend his last days in peace.

Charlotte rented an apartment from Mom at a good rate, and attempted to support herself by teaching. Charlotte’s teaching career ended when she sued the state and county. The suit’s basis was an argument Charlotte had with a black child about the correct pronunciation of the French word, “poussey”. The child pushed Charlotte, and Charlotte fell, resulting in brain damage. As a result of the suit, Charlotte now has a certificate proving what we have always known, her brain is damaged.

Charlotte was awarded a full disability and retired to a life of chasing conspiracy theories on the internet in the apartment she rents from Mom. She lives there today, divorced from her kids and her siblings, and even her mother most of the time. Charlotte will appear again in later episodes, but for now you’ve got a pretty good picture.

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