Good morning, y’all. I’ve been reading all of the football blogs today to see if I gain some “insider” info on the source of the Bulldogs offensive malfunction. Lots of speculation but nothing definitive. Speaking of speculation, Mulva brought home a story from church today that is just ripped from the “Days of Our Lives”. I made the mistake of asking how church was, you know, just trying to be nice, and there unfolded a story of lust and greed that you would have to go back to the Old Testament to find its equal. What I was really trying to find out was, did the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread perform the testament of faith at the end of the service, and if not, who did?
I was particularly interested in knowing if the Reverend Helena Handbasket had made a return appearance, and if so, did she have the same effect on the congregation as last week? A subset of that question was, did roll call increase as a result of the otherworldly effect that the Reverend Handbasket had had the week before? Well, Mulva was wound up tighter than Dick’s hatband and I didn’t know if she was going to be able to give me the information I wanted to hear, before bursting from holding in the information she wanted to tell.
Yes, the Reverend Helena Handbasket had returned this week, and had in fact, preached the sermon. She had handled the whole service from opening prayer to benediction. Yes, the roll call had increased, the little church was packed to the rafters. Everyone couldn’t stop talking in the parking lot after the service how the Reverend Handbasket reminded them of Carrie, or Carrie’s mom, Mulva wasn’t sure which, from that horror movie. Apparently, the light streaking through the Reverend Handbasket’s flowing red hair as she manipulated the serpents was more than folks could bear. Some folks made it to the altar to rededicate their lives to Jesus, some folks were just struck dumb as a post were they stood. All in all, it was the most “spirit filled” service Mulva had ever attended. That was not what Mulva wanted to talk about though.
What Mulva was bustin’ at the seams to tell was a mashup of “Days of Our Lives” and “The Full Gospel Original Church of God” with possible traces of “CSI” and “Cheaters” thrown in for good measure. Seems the Mrs. Reverend Dale E. Bread revealed to the Elders after the service today that she had proof that the Right Reverend Dale E. Bread was laying on hands in an inappropriate way with the choir director, Ms. Ophelia Bottoms.
Turns out, Mrs. Bread has had the reverend followed by a private investigator out of Gainesville for several weeks now. The private investigator had presented the photographic proof of the Reverend Bread’s healing ways the Saturday before the incident with Big Ben. Mulva tells me now that there may have been some tampering with the snake box before the Reverend Bread pulled out Big Ben for the show. Tampering, like hitting the side of the box repeatedly with a broom handle and dropping the box up and down on the floor.
Well, we’re off into Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker scandal area now. For those of you too young to remember, Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker were the “nuts” back in the ’80’s in the televangelism business. Their Praise The Lord club, or PTL as they called it, raised more money than Croesus. At one point, they were raking in a million dollars a week in donations. Besides the cash flow from donations, they also had the third largest theme park in the U.S.; also built by donated money. Jimmy Bakker’s downfall was a lady known as Jessica Hahn. Their stories vary as to who raped who, but in the end, Bakker’s reign was over.
Bakker was convicted of twenty four cases of fraud and fined $500,000 and sentenced to forty-five years in prison. Tammy Faye was given a life sentence of wearing clown makeup and ultra-long false eyelashes.
Granny Waller used to say, “Pride goeth before a fall”, I think she got it from the Bible. Maybe more of these preachers should take the Good Book’s words to heart.